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One in six couples will experience infertility at some point in their marriage. Infertility is medically defined as the inability to conceive after 12 cycles of “unprotected” intercourse or 6 cycles using “fertility-focused” intercourse. A couple who has never conceived has “primary infertility” and a couple who has conceived in the past but is unable to again has “secondary infertility”. Many couples who experience infertility have also experienced miscarriage or pregnancy loss.
This week, April 20 – 26, 2014 is National Infertility Awareness Week.
We, a group of Catholic women who have experienced infertility, would like to take a moment to share with you what the experience of infertility is like, share ways that you can be of support to a family member or friend, and share resources that are helpful.
If you are experiencing infertility, please know you are not alone. You are loved and prayed for and there are resources to help you with the spiritual, emotional, and medical aspects of this journey
The Experience of Infertility
In the beginning of trying to conceive a child, there is much hope and anticipation; for some, even a small fear of “what if we get pregnant right away?” There is planning of how to tell your husband and when you’d announce to the rest of the family. It is a joyful time that for most couples results in a positive pregnancy test within the first few months. However, for one in six couples, the months go by without a positive test and the fears and doubts begin to creep in. At the 6th month of trying using fertility-focused intercourse (using Natural Family Planning), the couple knows something is wrong and is considered “infertile” by doctors who understand the charting of a woman’s pattern of fertility. At the 9th month of trying, the month that, had they conceived that first month, a baby would have been arriving, is often the most painful of the early milestones. At the 12th month mark the couple “earns” the label from the mainstream medical community as “infertile”.
As the months go by, the hopes and dreams are replaced with fears, doubts, and the most invasive doctors’ appointments possible. As a Catholic couple faithful to the teachings of the Church, we are presented by secular doctors with options that are not options for us and are told things like “you’ll never have children” and “you have unexplained infertility”; by our Catholic doctors we are told to keep praying and to have hope as they roll up their sleeves and work hard to figure out the cause of our infertility, with each visit asking, “How are you and your husband doing with all of this?”
We find it hard to fit in. We have faith and values that are different than our secular culture, but our childlessness (primary infertility) or small family (secondary infertility) makes us blend in with the norm. We have faith and values that are in line with the teachings of our Church, but our daily life looks so much different than the others who share those values and that makes us stand out in a way that we would rather not. We are Catholic husbands and wives living out our vocation fully. Our openness to life does not come in the form of children; it takes on the form of a quiet “no” or “not yet” or “maybe never” from God each month as we slowly trod along. Our openness to and respect for life courageously resists the temptations presented to us by the secular artificial reproductive technology industry.
Often times our friends and family do not know what to say to us, and so they choose to not say anything. Our infertility stands like a great big elephant in the room that separates us from others. Most of the time, we don’t want to talk about it, especially not in public or in group settings because it is painful and we will often shed tears. We realize it is difficult and ask that you realize this difficulty as well. We will do our best to be patient and to explain our situation to those who genuinely would like to know, but please respect our privacy and the boundaries we establish, as not only is infertility painful, it is also very personal.
One of the hardest experiences of infertility is that it is cyclical. Each month we get our hopes up as we try; we know what our due date would be as soon as we ovulate; we know how we would share the news with our husband and when and how we would tell our parents. We spend two weeks walking a fine line between hope and realism, between dreaming and despairing. When our next cycle begins – with cramps and bleeding and tears – we often only have a day or two before we must begin taking the medications that are meant to help us conceive. There is little to no time to mourn the dream that is once again not achievable; no time to truly allow ourselves to heal from one disappointment before we must begin hoping and trying again. We do not get to pick what days our hormones will plummet or how the medications we are often taking will affect us. We do not get to pick the day that would be “best” for us for our next cycle to start. We are at the mercy of hope, and while that hope keeps us going it is also what leaves us in tears when it is not realized.
Our faith is tested. We ask God “why?”, we yell at Him; we draw closer to God and we push Him away. Mass brings us to tears more often than not and the season of Advent brings us to our knees. The chorus of “Happy Mother’s Day” that surrounds us at Mass on the second Sunday in May will be almost more devastating than the blessing of mothers itself. We know that the Lord is trustworthy and that we can trust in Him; sometimes it is just a bigger task than we can achieve on our own.
- Pray for us. Truly, it is the best thing that anyone can do.
- Do not make assumptions about anything – not the size of a family or whether or not a couple knows what is morally acceptable to the Church. Most couples who experience infertility do so in silence and these assumptions only add to the pain. If you are genuinely interested, and not merely curious, begin a genuine friendship and discover the truth over time.
- Do not offer advice such as “just relax,” “you should adopt,” “try this medical option or that medical option” – or really give any advice. Infertility is a symptom of an underlying medical problem; a medical problem that often involves complicated and invasive treatment to cure.
- Do not assume that we will adopt. Adoption is a call and should be discerned by every married couple. Infertility does not automatically mean that a couple is meant to adopt.
- Ask how we are doing and be willing to hear and be present for the “real” answer. Often times we answer, “OK” because that’s the easy, “safe” answer. Let us know that you are willing to walk through this the tough time with us. Frequently we just need someone who is willing to listen and give us a hug and let us know we are loved.
- Offer a Mass for us or give us a prayer card or medal to let us know you are praying for us. Just please refrain from telling us how we must pray this novena or ask for that saint’s intercession. Most likely we’ve prayed it and ask for the intercession daily. Please feel free to pray novenas and ask for intercession on our behalf.
- Be tolerant and patient. The medications we take can leave us at less than our best; we may not have the energy or ability to do much. Please also respect us when we say “no, thank you” to food or drinks. We may have restricted diets due to our medical conditions and/or medications.
- Share the good news of your pregnancy privately (preferably in an email or card or letter and not via text, IM chat, phone call or in person) and as soon as possible. Please understand that we are truly filled with joy for you; any sadness we feel is because we have been reminded of our own pain and we often feel horrible guilt over it as well. Please be patient and kind if we don’t respond immediately, attend your baby shower or don’t “Like” all of your Facebook updates about your children. Again, it is really about us, not you.
- Help steer group conversations away from pregnancy and parenting topics when we are around. We like to be able to interact in a conversation to which we can contribute meaningfully.
- Do not ask when we are going to “start a family” (we started one the day we got married).
- Do not ask which one of us is the “problem” – we are either fertile or infertile as a couple.
- Do not say things like “I know you’ll be parents some day,” or “It will happen, I know it will!” Along the same lines, please do not tell us stories of a couple you know who struggled for years and went on to conceive or to “just adopt and then you’ll get pregnant” (this one actually only happens a small percentage of the time). Only God knows what our future holds, please pray with us that we are able to graciously accept His will for our lives.
- Do not pity us. Yes, we have much sorrow. Yes, we struggle. But, we place our faith in God, lean on the grace of our marriage, and trust that someday, whether here on earth or in heaven, we will see and understand God’s plan.
Bloggers who contributed to this article (those with an * have children after primary infertility or are experiencing secondary infertility. They are marked as such so that if you aren’t up for possibly seeing baby/child pictures today, you can meet them on a day when you are, but please do take the time to go and visit them.):
There is also a “Secret” Facebook group with over 150 members who contributed to this article as well. For more information or to join the group, email Rebecca at RebeccaWVU02@gmail.com.
Sometimes I have a hard time paying attention during Mass as distraction gets the better of me. For whatever reason, though, I have always made an extra effort to try to set my distraction aside to unite my prayers to the priest as he is consecrating Christ’s body and blood.
Although consecration and the Liturgy of the Eucharist is the part of the Mass I pay most attention, one recent Sunday, I listened a little closer, and heard a distinct message for me in the words of the consecration:
“This is my body, given up for you… Do this in memory of me.”
I know that the words “do this in memory of me” have always meant to repeat what Christ did: not just in terms of the celebration of the Eucharist but also to love as He loved and to break my body as He did to serve many. But other than Christ’s body that was literally given up for us and continues to be during this Holy Sacrament, I always viewed the words “This is my body, given up for you” in the light of service – to be willing to be broken as He was is to serve His holy church and His people at all costs. But in light of infertility, the words “This is my body, given up for you” take on a whole new meaning.
I was confronted with this reality when I felt God asking me as I knelt before Him in the Eucharist: “Are you giving me your body, too – not just your work and your service but your physical body? Are you trusting me with it? And are you doing this in memory of me – are you allowing God’s will to be done with your body as I allowed it to be done with mine?”
Then came the consecration of sacred blood, and as the priest lifted up the chalice and said, “This is the cup of my blood, given up for you …. Do this in memory of me.” I was all of a sudden reminded of the fact that in art history, the chalice is a symbol of the woman’s womb. And again, I heard the Lord asking me, “Have you given me your chalice, your womb? Have you allowed me to fill it with my precious blood? Are you willing to trust me with it and allow me to fill it – or not – according to my loving will for you?” These words struck to the core of my heart and have stuck with me ever since I felt Him lovingly challenge me in this area. My prayer is that I may do just this.
Jesus trusted in the will of His Father and gave up His body and blood for His most holy will. Now I need to do the same, in memory of Him.
We wanted a special way to honor ALL mother’s this Mother’s Day – biological mothers, spiritual mothers, aunts, grandmothers, godmothers, teachers, etc. We thought this blogger’s post so beautifully encapsulated how special you all are. God bless you today and always. We are praying for you in a special way on Mother’s Day and you are not forgotten.
I recently had a bad spell at work after finding out a coworker was pregnant. Having to compose myself and get back to work was hard, but after some deep breaths and prayer, I was able to continue working. The process of grief is also one that we at times feel should be easier. For example, I still miss my father more than 10 years after his passing, but yet with infertility I am less patient with myself and I wish I did not get so upset when I hear of someone else’s good fortune.
I read a book by Peter van Breemen S.J., The God Who Won’t Let Go, that talked about Mary Magdalene visiting the tomb of Jesus and her grief at the Lord’s death (John 20). She was so engulfed in her own grief that she did not even recognize Jesus when he spoke to her. There are so many moments during this journey when the pain has been so great that I, too, have failed to recognize Jesus.
Mary Magdalene chose to turn toward her faith community in her grief instead of retreating from the world and isolating herself. This is a wonderful example of how we need to turn to those people and things that give us strength so we can face the situations that defy our understanding.
The Embrace Ministry of the Archdiocese of Atlanta is sponsoring an Infertility Workshop on Saturday, Feb. 16 at St. Brigid Catholic Church, 3400 Old Alabama Rd., Johns Creek, GA 30022 from 9:00 AM to 3:00 PM. Topics will include Treatment Options for Catholics, Barrenness, Child-Bearing, and Assisted Reproductive Technologies in the Roman Catholic Tradition, Infertility’s Effects on Marriage, and Bearing the Cross of Infertility.
Registration is $15 and includes lunch. Register at: http://www.embracefamilies.com/events
Please join us for this blessed event! Click below for an event flyer with more information:
When we attended the Future Full of Hope prayer service at the Diocese of Austin, we were privileged to meet the organizers of the Sarah’s Hope and Abraham’s Promise infertility and miscarriage support groups. They also hold occasional couples’ retreats with healing Masses – one is coming this Saturday, Oct. 20 at the Schoenstatt Shrine in Austin, TX. If you’re unable to attend, please keep those in attendance in your prayers. Here is a flyer you can download with more information on the retreat:
We were blessed to have the opportunity to visit the CatholicTV studios in early July to be interviewed on This is the Day about the Church’s teachings on infertility. You can watch our interview here:
I read in Tears of Sorrow, Seeds of Hope that “rituals seek change, not of God, but of us…The participants expect, and hope, to be different after a successful ritual than they were before…The ritual’s fundamental purpose is to escort the participants across a threshold, from where they are to where they need to go.”
We recently helped organize our first diocesan Mass of hope and encouragement for those experiencing infertility or miscarriage. We did not know who or how many people would come. Being at the Mass and seeing people there taking comfort in our ultimate Catholic ritual – the blessing of the Holy Mass – made me think back to this quote and the truth behind it.
The quote I cite above comes from a Jewish book on infertility, so the Mass is not something that is mentioned or even thought of, but it resonated with me.
We organized the Mass with the hope that this ritual would help people see the beauty in what God is doing in their lives amidst their pain. There were pregnant women who came to the Mass, as well as those who longed for a child, people who had long ago suffered infertility and those walking the road right now. There were people who participated that were not infertile but simply went to support a friend or loved one who has experienced this emptiness.
The ritual of the Mass united us all. There we all were, praying, receiving, offering – we crossed a threshold to a place of hope, and united our cross to Christ’s.
Remaining faithful in our prayer lives is one of the biggest challenges when bearing the cross of infertility. Infertility can shake our faith to the core, but it is so important to persevere and remain close to God, even when we may not feel His loving presence.
Please read this beautiful, honest perspective on infertility – and specifically on praying through infertility – written by a faithful Catholic man: